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The Axe/Transcript
(Open up to the outside of the Skullship.) Hater: (from inside; voiceover.) Over?! What do you mean it's...over?! (Zoom in, cutting to Hater and Peepers watching the jumbotron. Peepers holds his head in embarrassment.) Hater: But I conquered you! Your planet belongs to me! (An alien woman with blue wings and hair appears on the jumbotron.) Woman: Belonged to you. Look, you really haven't been around a lot lately, so we weren't even sure if you were still under ruling us anymore, so we, like, uh...well, we met someone else. Hater: 'Someone else?! Who?! ''(Zoom in on Hater after each name is spoken.) '''Hater: Is it Emperor Awesome? The Black Cube of Darkness? Dominator?! Woman: It's, uh. It's the, uh- (Sourdough jumps into the frame on the jumbotron.) Sourdough: Evil Sandwich! (Sourdough sits on a silver platter, held by one of the Beefeaters). Sourdough: That's right! It is I, Sourdough, the Evil Sandwich! And I have seized control of yet another one of your planets, Lord Hater. Hater: Oh, yeah? Well, I didn't even want that stupid planet anyway. I got pleeenty of other planets that are waay better. Sourdough: No, you don't! Have you checked the villain leaderboard lately? Hater: (unsure.) Uh...yeah! I don't know the exact number, but I'm like waaay up there. Right, Peepers? Peepers: Oh, the sandwich is right, sir. That was the last planet we had control of in this system, which knocks us completely off the villain board. (The Galatic Villain Leaderboard appears on the jumbotron, with Lord Hater being ranked at number 50. The one and only planet next to his name pops off of the board, and his picture icon spins around and disappears.) Sourdough: You're more of a "ne'er-do-well" than a villain. How bad are you at this? (Hater tries to turn off the jumbotron with the remote, but fails. Extreme long shot of him rapidly clicking the remote to no avail.) Sourdough: Wow, you can't even do that right! (Hater angrily throws the remote at the screen.) Sourdough: How'd that work out for ya? Peepers: (clicking the "off" button on the remote; static.) Sir, this is exactly what I warned you about in my report entitled "Oblique Strategies for Successful Masters of Evil." (Holds up the book.) I clearly stated that the only way to truly rule the galaxy is through careful planning, precise focus, and hard work. But, noooo! (He throws the book backward and points at Hater.) You! Hater: Me?! (screaming in Peepers' face.) ''Don't tell ''me what being evil is all about! It's about being all-''(lightning flashes; roars)'' -scary, bad guy stuff! Not- (Impersonating Peepers as a robot.) "-uh, blah blah, meeting, staff, business guy stuff." (Normal.) Wow. I can't believe I never figured this out before. The reason we've been failing all this time is because- Peepers: -you waste all our resources trying to destroy a happy-go-lucky do-gooder who just wants to be your friend? (Lightning flashes.) Hater: Because you and your boring plans have been keeping me down, Civilian Peepers! (Peepers' helmet falls off. He bends over and puts it back on.) Peepers: Uh, sir, with due respect, it's Commander. Hater: (extreme close-up of Hater's face.) Not anymore. You're fired. (Peepers looks shocked; title card appears. The "x" in "Axe" is a big, red cross over a white silhouette of Peepers.) (Cut to Peepers' bedroom, where he sadly lays on his bed as a mellow electric guitar riff plays; above the bed is a picture of Hater looking down with an angry stare.) Peepers: Oh, this isn't happening. This isn't happening. This... (incredulously.) ...this isn't happening. He'll realize he made a mistake. He needs me. Hater: (opening Peepers' bedroom door.) Peepers, I need you. Peepers: Of course, sir, what can I do for you? Hater: Before you GO, how do I, like, find planets to conquer? Are they just sort of around, or...? Peepers: (beat; discouraged.) Check the intergalactic matrix in the command console. (Cut to Hater's blank face; he blinks once.) Peepers: The red button on the black thing. Hater: Thanks! Man, I'm so stoked to be running things without you getting in my way all the time. Anyway, you're still fired! Adios. (Closes Peepers' bedroom door.) (Peepers lays sadly on his bed while the same mellow electric guitar riff plays again.) Hater: (opening Peepers' bedroom door.) Peepers, wait. Peepers: (hopeful.) Yes? Hater: You know those eyeball guys I have? How often do I need to change their batteries? Peepers: They're not robots, they're Watchdogs! Hater: Oh, they're dogs. Huh. So I gotta walk them then...? Peepers: They're not dogs either, they're- Hater: Gotcha. (Writing down on a notepad.) "Robot dogs, feed them batteries." Thanks, buddy! I owe ya. Not enough to save your job though. (Closes Peepers' bedroom door. Peepers blinks once.) Hater: (opening Peepers' bedroom door.) ''Peepers, wait. '''Peepers:' (deadpan.) What? Hater: Look, I realize now...I may have been a bit hasty before. Peepers: (gasps; hopeful.) You do? Hater: Yeah, I almost forgot to ask you, what's your log-in password? I need to erase you from the system. Peepers: (beat; discouraged.) Hater-and-Peepers-Forever. That's H-8-R-N-P33P3RS, with "3" for the "e's", 4-E-V-R. (Cut to a screen with various pictures of Hater and Peepers doing things together: a selfie of the two of them in front of the Skullship destroying a city, a shot of them torturing a petrified green alien with multiple eyes, and a shot of them gleefully playing tennis.) Hater: (after each photo is shown.) ''Delete that. Delete that. Delete that. ''(Cut to Hater and Peepers in front of a computer. An annoyed Peppers deletes each of the photos as Hater stands behind him and points.) Hater: Delete that. Delete that. Delete that. Delete...actually, no. (Realizing.) These memories...we've been through a lot together, haven't we? (Pan down to Peepers.) Peepers: Yes, sir, we sure have. Hater: I'm having second thoughts... (Back to normal, talking extremely fast.) Instead of deleting these, could you just crop yourself out of 'em? Cool. Well, goodbye forever! (Exits.) Peepers: (Crossing his arms in anger.) He'll see. Wait'll he tries conquering something without me! (Lightning flashes; Lord Hater's Theme begins.) (Cut to a shot of Lord Hater with his tongue out as green lightning shoots out of his hands, which are formed into metal horns; the Watchdogs run out from behind him.) ♪ Meet the universe's ultimate evil-doer, Hater! ♪ (Hater snatches a crown off of a random ruler's head as the Watchdogs surround him; he puts it on his head. Cut to a shot of Lord Hater standing in front of a statue of Sourdough, wearing the crown and holding his flag proudly; the Watchdogs salute him. A new statue of Hater falls on top of the old Sourdough statue, completely destroying it.) ♪ Hooray! ♪ (Cut to the Galatic Villain Leaderboard. Hater's icon reappears at number 50 and a planet pops next to his name.) Hater: Yeah! (Lightning flashes. A sequence of shots of Hater knocking more crowns off of various rulers' heads. More planets appear next to Hater's icon on the Leaderboard. His ranking moves up to number 49.) ♪ Who set the record for galactic explosions? Hater! ♪ Hater: (wearing multiple crowns; to the camera.) You got hated! (Several shots of Hater planting his flags into the ground. His ranking moves up to number 48.) ♪ Yeah! Evil scary villain nasty guy number one. You better run! ♪ Hater: Boo-yah! ♪ Hater! ♪ (Several shots of more Sourdough statues being replaced by Hater statues, while an overlay of the number 47 counting down to number 39 appears, indicating Hater's rise in rank. Hater stands in front of a bunch of his flags and laughs maniacally as the song ends. A catchy ditty begins and Hater does a funky victory dance. Fade to black.) (Cut to a shot of one of the Skullship's doors being opened in the darkness; a silhouette of Peepers appears in the doorframe. He sighs and walks forward; The Commander's Last Command begins.) ♪ It all went by so fast ♪ (Cross-fade to a shot of Peepers; he wears a tan trench coat and a fedora. He walks slowly across the screen and stares sadly at a box of his stuff he carries in his hands. Cross-fade to Peepers opening the door to a weapon room. An overlay of a flashback appears; Lord Hater and Peepers are laughing as they lower a fuzzy green alien into a lava pit. The flashback disappears after a few seconds.) ♪ The conquests and the glory ♪ (Peepers closes the door. Cross-fade to a flashback of Lord Hater and Peepers using a giant laser to blow up a planet. They cheer and chest-bump as it explodes into a dust cloud.) ♪ But now my time here's passed ♪ (Peepers walks across the screen, which serves as a wipe to the next shot.) ♪ And I've been shown the door-y ♪ (Peepers stands at the gate of a room full of skulls and bones. Again, an overlay of a flashback appears; Lord Hater and Peepers play in the pile of bones, throwing them at each other and spitting them out of their mouths. Lord Hater laughs.) ♪ I'm a commander who's made his last command ♪ (Flashback Peepers throws a skull at Lord Hater. He becomes angry and shoots Flashback Peepers with a green lightning bolt. Hater looks up at Peepers from the present, who wipes a tear from his eyes and closes the gate.) ♪ I used to be his right-hand man ♪ (Peepers stands at the door of Hater's bedroom. Once again, an overlay of a flashback appears; Peepers contentedly, albeit creepily, looks over Lord Hater as he's sleeping. The blanket slides off of Lord Hater's back; Peepers pushes it back up. The flashback disappears after a few seconds.) ♪ But a sandwich took our planets and I got canned ♪ (Peepers sadly looks down and walks away. Fade to black.) ♪ The commander who's made his last command ♪ (Fade up from black. The tongue of the Skullship flops out, sending Peepers to a taxi waiting outside. He gets inside.) Taxi driver: Where to, my friend? Peepers: Just drive. (The taxi drives away. Zoom out to an extreme-long shot of the Skullship, which is now surrounded by Sourdough's fleet of ships. Cut to Hater back inside the Skullship, celebrating his success. Streamers rain down and the Galatic Villain Leaderboard on the jumbotron reveals that Hater is now ranked at number 46. He throws batteries at the Watchdogs.) Hater: (puppy voice.) Who wants batteries? (Static: Sourdough appears on the jumbotron.) Sourdough: Hater! Hater: (tauntingly.) Well, well, well, Sourdough. I must admit, it was a pleasure to beat you. Oh! I should've said, "eat you.” Do over. Sourdough: Wow. You're even bad at sandwich puns. Sad. Why are you messing with my planets?! Hater: Oh, do you mean my planets? The planets that used to be yours but are now totally mine 'cause I conquered 'em because I'm awesome and you're a dumb sandwich. Those planets? You're conquered! Deal with it, pimento brain! Sourdough: What? You didn't conquer squat. You just knocked off crowns, planted flags, and did stupid dances. Hater: Uh, yeah. I conquered them. Sourdough: No. That's wrong. You've got to leave a battalion behind. Establish infrastructure. Don't you know anything about being an evil ruler? Hater: (unsure.) Uhhh- Sourdough: (looking for Peepers.) Where's the angry little smart guy? The one who actually knows what evil is all about? Hater: ''(enraged.)'' ''I know what evil is all about! Prepare to become a patty melt.'' (Hater raises his fist in the air and slams it down on a big, red button with a skull and crossbones. Intense rock music. Cut to the outside of the Skullship, where a scary-looking torpedo with Hater’s face zooms out of the ship’s mouth. Cut to a silent, extreme-long shot of the Skullship and one of Sourdough’s ships; the latter towers over the former. The torpedo, now a tiny speck, moves slowly towards Sourdough’s ship. A laser shoots out of the top of Sourdough’s ship, disintegrating the torpedo in a single zap. Cut back to Hater.) Hater: Uh, finger slipped? Sourdough: Fire! (Sourdough’s armada fires at the Skullship, which flies toward the camera. Zoom in on Hater, who is frantically pressing a bunch of buttons inside the ship’s control room.) Hater: Which one's the shieldy thing?! (Cut to a shot of the Skullship zooming through space. It performs various actions as Hater presses random buttons: a horn and car alarm sound, the windshield wipers activate and smack Hater repeatedly in the face, a mechanical arm extends from the Skullship's mouth and picks the ship's "nose." Cut to Sourdough inside of its ship.) Sourdough: How are you so bad at this? I conquered this entire quadrant. And I'm a sandwich. (Sourdough now appears on several computer screens in the Skullship’s control room.) Sourdough: You're a powerful electrical skeleton man! Hater: (pointing at one of the screens.) Shut your buns! (Something shoots at the Skullship from outside, startling Hater and causing him to fall on his head. Cross-fade to Peepers riding in the taxi. He reads a newspaper with job openings.) Peepers: Saline tester, I could do that. (Hater appears on the outside of the taxi. He rests his arm inside the cab through the open window.) Hater: (nonchalantly) Hey, Peepers. 'Sup? Peepers: Sir? (Peepers looks out the back window. Cut to an extreme-long shot of the taxi, which is now riding on the tongue of the battered Skullship.) Hater: Just one last question. Not that I need your help, but if someone got in a major dogfight with a sandwich, what would one do? (Hater ducks down to avoid an incoming laser beam. Cut to an extreme-long shot of the taxi and the Skullship, which are being chased by Sourdough’s armada.) Peepers: Oh. I thought I was in your way. Hater: Oh, you were. Big time. And I can handle this. (He dodges another laser.) But I'm just going around, getting second opinions. Peepers: I don't know. Is there maybe something you want to tell me first? Maybe you wanna say you're- Hater: -sorry, nope. Uh, can't think of anything. (A laser hits the head of the Skullship, causing it to spin around on the hinge of the jaw. Zoom in on some Watchdogs hanging on for dear life on the outside of the ship.) Watchdog #1: Hurry, Lord Hater, apologize! Hater: (whining.) I don't wanna! Peepers: I'm waiting. Taxi driver: (turning around to face Hater.) You want advice? In old galaxy, I work as villain. Hater: (to the taxi driver.) Shut your face! Peepers, come on! What did I ever do to you? (A torpedo shoots out of one of Sourdough’s ships, hitting the Skullship directly. It crashes through the roof of the control room. An alarm goes off and a warning triangle appears on the computer screens. The Watchdogs run around frantically and scream.) Hater: I'm sorry...you felt I did something wrong! (Peepers shakes his head. Another extreme-shot of Sourdough’s fleet chasing the Skullship is seen.) Hater: I'm sorry...that you're such a whiny over-sensitive baby! (Extending his arms and shaking his open pams.) No, no, no, no, wait, please, I can get this. This was my bad and I'm soooooruh- (Hater pulls his hood over his face in agony as he struggles to say the word.) Hater: -I'm sorry I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this. Peepers: Close enough. (Cut back to the screaming Watchdogs in the control room. The door opens to reveal Peepers, now back in his commander uniform, standing proudly as Hater watches behind him in awe. Peepers punches the tip of Sourdough's torpedo, sending it flying into space.) Peepers: Watchdogs! We're pulling a reverse Galaxon Phalanx maneuver into an aggressive Cropdust Wedge! (Cut to inside the Skullship’s mouth. Its jaw opens, sending out a group of eye fighters.) Peepers: Eye fighters, deploy! (The eye fighters circle the ship and fire at Sourdough’s fleet, destroying nearly every ship.) Peepers: (voiceover.) Shields, activate! (A green forcefield bubble appears around the outside of the Skullship. One of Sourdough’s ships shoots at it, but the hits are reflected.) Peepers: And with Sandwich's whole armada focused on us, he's left his planets totally vulnerable! (Laughs.) (Cut to a shot of a Sourdough statue being destroyed by some eye fighters. The Watchdogs parachute onto one of Sourdough’s barren planets, holding blasters. Zoom out to reveal a government-esque building; a banner with Hater’s face is draped off of the front. Cut to a map of various planets, which are covered with Sourdough’s picture icons. Hater’s picture icons begin to replace them. Red arrows expand out from the middle planet, indicating the spread of Hater’s reign.) Hater: (enthusiastically.) Ooh, ooh. I wanna help. What can I do? Peepers: What you do best, sir. (Lightning flashes; Lord Hater’s Theme plays again.) ♪ Who is the universe's ultimate evil-doer? Hater! ♪ (Hater falls through the air toward Sourdough’s final ship; green lightning bolts spew from his hands. He crashes through the roof and does a three-point landing.) Hater: Evil Sandwich! (The camera faces Hater and rotates around him to reveal a shocked Sourdough.) Hater: You're toast! (Hater shoots Sourdough with a lightning bolt; Sourdough screams as it is being zapped. After a few seconds, the lightning disappears; Sourdough is now a burnt sandwich. Its eyes fall off and land on the plate. Hater plants a mini flag into Sourdough. Lightning flashes.) ♪ Yeah! Evil's getting revenge nasty guy number one. You better run! ♪''' (Cut back to Peepers and Hater in the control room of the Skullship.) '''Peepers: Now for the finishing touch. (The Skullship smacks into the front of Sourdough’s ship, sending it hurdling across space.) Sourdough: (voiceover.) Evil Sandwiiiiiich. (The ship disappears in the distance with a tiny shimmer of light. Lord Hater and Peepers stand confidently, then begin to dance to the same ditty heard before as the Watchdogs bob their heads in the background. Fade to black.) Woman: (voiceover.) Hey, Hater. (The alien woman from the beginning of the episode appears again on the jumbotron. She is surrounded by several of the Watchdogs’ blasters.) Woman: So glad we're back together. It was so embarrassing being ruled by a sandwich. Hater: Well, I couldn't have done it without...me! If I hadn't fired Peepers, this never would have happened. Peepers: (sadly.) Oh. (Lord Hater smiles at Peepers, pulls out a remote and clicks the button on it. Static; a statue of Lord Hater is seen. A crane lowers a smaller statue of Commander Peepers next to it.) Peepers: (gasps.) Sir… (Peepers jumps up and hugs Lord Hater.) Hater: Don't make me fire you again. ♪ Commander Peepers ♪ (End.)''' '''Animatic: (Lord Hater continues to impersonate Commander Peepers as a robot.) Hater: Bleep bloop. Rules and planning. Strategy. No emotion. Does not compute. Servo shutting down. Nee nooorrr- (Peepers sighs, pulls out an oil can and begins to “oil” Hater, who pops back up again.) Hater: System's operating at peak efficiency. I am a giant nerd. (Disney Television Animation and Disney XD Original logos appear. End.) Category:Transcripts